a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
