Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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