He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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