Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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