I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
