Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
