I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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