If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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