Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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