I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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