Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
