We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
