I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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