I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
