My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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