did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
