hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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