i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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