I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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