false alarm. still invincible.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
