miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
