Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
