I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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