I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
