Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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