y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
