I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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