Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
