so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
