i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
