Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
