i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
why is half of my head shaved?
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