nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
