Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
