Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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