WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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