I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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