Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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