i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
