I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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