I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
