enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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