I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
