Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
