I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
