I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
