Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
