Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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