so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
