He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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